After Dad. Love and God Bless America (A serious Blog)

My father died. He died a week ago this past Thursday. He died at home with his 4 kids by his side.

I was with him on and off since June of this past year and “on” since the end of August. It was excellent. I don't want to tell the whole story...I lived it so I have no need to reenact it, at least not right now. A friend told me he was proud of me. Funny thing to say when someone you love is gone right? A pat on the back for my part in my daddy's death seems meaningless, but alas....its not.

He said he was proud because he's never seen anyone go through a loved ones death with eyes and heart as open as mine. I have feelings about this too...”proud”...perhaps, but my feelings are from where I stood looking out so they are different and that I have a need to try and put to paper.

Love is ridiculous. No wonder most of us avoid it...especially when its real...especially those of us who long for it.

I am an addict. I spent much of my life trying to get higher and higher...I am an emotional “thrill seeker” in this fashion and want the world to know I have NO fear when it comes to the highs life has to offer. I am also full of shit and I have been a coward at its boastful best. I drank and smoked and ate and acted out screaming I was courageous enough to really live when it wasn't until ten years ago when I stayed sober long enough to get a clue that the high I'd been searching for really began. No wonder I numbed out under the guise of “catching a bold buzz” all these years....the real high is love and its ridiculous. Its hard and painful and more profound then I ever ever imagined.

I'm Greek...the Mediterranean type that wears her heart on her sleeve and says everything I feel 24/7 so imagine my surprise when even more of that crept in. Even today with the clarity of it I don't understand a thing ..I only know there is no turning back. Like when I first smoked a joint and got high...every joint I smoked after that was to get me back to that initial high...every Jack Daniels, every time I popped an ecstasy, snorted cocaine, heroin...ate a plate full of carbohydrates for Gods sake....

HIGH.

I “sobered up” about 10 years ago. The first thing I did was met me. Love at first site was not what I would call that encounter. I'm just now getting that part. I'm just now “falling in love” on the home front. There is much to admire these days . Back then I was forced to make friends with honesty …. brutal honesty and forgiveness. A week after I started my food plan I went to the Military Veterans Gala with my Retired Navy father Captain John Koutrakos. I surprised him with the help of his friends in Missouri who flew me down to sing GOD BLESS AMERICA at the event. I said “Dad” (I was 278 pounds) I have to bring my own food to this formal in a Tupperware and I”m embarrassed to do that. He said “You do what you have to do. Bring the Tupperware, pull it out and ask for a fork”.

SUPPORT.

A few years later I feel in love. Yep. I was 140 pounds and 3 years “open” by that time and we went heart to heart for a moment. I'm not a kid, I'm not a saint, but this might have been the first time I was that available and got that “high” from the human touch. I mean this even more metaphorically then physically. Its was equal parts thrilling and petrifying to feel that much. Love often doesn't go the way you want when its of the romantic variety so the more you love the more that part can hurt. I stayed open.

SOBRIETY.

My best friend was diagnosed with AIDS and we were at the part where that was going to be how he exited this life. In failing health 6 months before he passed his partner of 17 years and my other best friend was found dead in their apartment with no warning and in his mid 40's. I was the honored one who spend the next 6 months with my soul mate Dick. We loved...we loved bravely through music for decades before that and now both of us sober and with eyes wide open held hands and loved each other with so much respect on his way out. My hospital and Dr and family experience around this was real. Flawed and sticky and there were bumps in the road but it was excellent and love, love and more prevailed.

RESPECT.

Some of my friends from the decades Id spent with Dick, disappeared...there is a small scar but we have found our way back to nothing but love and for all of us it seems when that switch happened we just made room for new people to join in. What I thought was to be a shortage has become the opposite.

LOVE.

5 years ago my step mom, the woman who took my hand in the middle of my madness 35 years ago and loved me for no good reason at all died on my birthday. Too big to explain but she left me with siblings I was not born with and my circle expanded even more.

FAMILY.

My beautiful artist cousin who was screaming for more and more love himself died in his early 40's, my singer girlfriend Nancy in hers. I was by her side at the end and I got to dedicated my first CD to him.

LOVE.

My husband left me 18 years ago, my heart broke actively for 2 years. He was at my dads funeral this past week.

LOVE.

I fell deeply in love with a real live human last year. We are not able to pursue anything but a friendship. He is the 2^nd soul mate I've had. I never expected to have one, much less a second and in this fashion. Besides dad, he is the most admirable man I have loved and loving him without being able to express it as lovers has been again painful ...and beautiful and frustrating and honorable and very real.

HUMAN.

Having the courage to stay still in the middle of this “after dad” free fall is frightening, exhilarating and graceful.

FAITH.

I am alone in the sense that I do not have a partner or children. I do not have my own nuclear family and that is more obvious to me at the moment then I feel comfortable with. I want that. I am a family girl, but here I am.

MORE FAITH.

I am flying to Missouri where on Wednesday night I will sing GOD BLESS AMERICA at the Military Gala I sang at for dad 10 years ago. I will try not to cry...I sound like shit when I cry and it would be a shame cuz when I'm not crying I have the most amazing voice.

GOD.

Today I am 135 pounds. I will bring my food to the event in a similar Tupperware. I will see dads friends, they will offer stories and condolences, I will sing my ass off, I will long to be able to share the experience with the man (both the men) I love but will not. I will stay courageous and sober and proud. I will feel the gracefulness of the fall, the messiness of the fall, the fear of the fall and let everyone and everything I meet and see turn into nothing but love as I continue to tumble.

Love is ridiculous....but I've gone this far right?

Daddy....thanks for the council, safety, support, and brilliant example along the way. Here I go.

LOVE.